Friday, September 4, 2009

KC's Best Middle Aged White Guy Blog 2009

MAWGs- Middle Aged White Guys*.

And here we refer to white men -roughly between the ages of 40 and 60- who have had a family, likely one or more divorces and several jobs under their belt, men who are normally standing on or can see the last rung of their particular career ladder, men who know what they’re talking about. We are talking about men who have been around the block, this is not their first pony ride, Shirley - they’ve been to the carnival before! These are men who are apt to tell you that they are not that old; your music really does suck.

MAWGs are lawyers, doctors, directors, section chiefs, truck drivers, construction workers, IT geeks and pawns in the capitalist system. They are unemployed, work from home, get up before the sun or have retired early.

These are men who coach neighborhood soccer, baseball, or football teams, maybe all three. These are men who sit on their neighborhood housing association boards. Men who drink beer when they grill on the weekends. Men who root for the home team gawddamnit. Men who suddenly need to share all that accumulated knowledge with someone else ‘cause lord knows no one around here listens…

Also, according to the FBI, serial killers statistically make their first human kill as MAWGs. This may go some way in explaining the vitriol that blasts off MAWG blogs in a cyclical, almost lunar manner, followed closely by fond remembrances of earlier better days. In fact, MAWG blogs almost always follow a general template:

1.) Passionate/common sense rant/rave for/against latest political-socioeconomic policy/cultural trend/television show;
2.) Memories –complete with vintage photographs – of a simpler, better time, intimating that the current world has taken itself to Hell in its own hand basket and while that’s okay, we’re just saying…;
3.) Jokes/Videos/display of hobbies-interests that show the blogger to be of impeccably discerning taste;
4.) Congratulations/flames for other local bloggers about blogging in general;
5.) And, locally, food – apparently KC MAWGs cook a lot.

MAWG blogs usually tie the above framework into their occupation or a hobby horse: midtown miscreant’s theme is criminal stupidity; same idea with rumbling grumbling old fart, Gone Mild, JoCo SOB, and Kansas City with the Russian Accent**.

MAWG blogs, in one form or another, are all humorous. MAWG blogs tend to use a ton of widgets (with the notable exception of Gone Mild). Written English is normally not a MAWG bloggers’ forte (again, sans Gone Mild).

What then makes for a really good MAWG blog?

For The Editors it is passion. It is that slow burning fire in the belly that brings the MAWG back to their PC day after day after day to correct someone who is wrong on the Internet. It is the MAWG who immediately posts a rebuttal to some other MAWG who dared correct him. It is the MAWG blogger who answers most, if not all, comments within a 2 hour period, more likely within minutes. It is the utter willpower to prevail gawddamnit.

Hip Suburban White Guy fits the bill.

A multi-tooled blogger, X.O. is also an Honorable Mention for KC’s Best Blog of 2009. No MAWG and few blogs do it better (Cue the James Bond theme...). When we want our spleen vented, we go to X.O.’s place. Hand’s down, Hip Suburban White Guy is KC’s Best MAWG Blog of 2009.

Honorable Mentions go to Dumbwhore, JOCO SOB (for being so loudly, humerously and consistently "out there", if nothing else) and Midtown Miscreant.

NEXT: OG blogs

*The category name The Editors could reach a consensus on: also popular were Cranky Fuckers, Snarky Bastards, Disappointed Dudes, Archie Bunkers and Pricks. While each of the preceding had some merit, we ultimately agreed that Middle Aged White Guys encompassed all of the above and many others.

** Blogs like Ancillary Adams, Frighteningly Uncommon Sense***, RDM Random Remarks, Three O'Clock in the Morning and others are simply MAWG blogs in training.

*** Yes, The Editors are aware that Faith is a woman. However, she fits every other criteria and thus we see no valid reason to exclude her from the MAWG blog club when she hits the right age. What are you, sexist?


  1. when you called me a foodie I thought I'll let it go,but lumping me in the same age category as a borderline medicare recipient calls for some punches. I know who you are,watch out!

  2. Frighteningly Uncommon Sense is written by a chick.

  3. m.v. -

    Are you saying you know who we, collectively, are? Or do you believe you know one of us individually? In any event we understand you to be a pussycat of a man so we're not too worried about any punches.

    emawkc -

    We are aware that Faith is female. We said as much. It saddens us that your conservative leanings have affected your reading comprehension skills, but it was only to be expected...

  4. you being the "editors" is like me calling myself a "central committee"

  5. m.v. -

    Trust us on this: The Editors are definitely plural.

  6. Thanks for the kudos! It's undeserved, but appreciated.

    I'm curious how you knew about my multiple tools. Everyone knows about The D's three testicles, but I thought I had managed to keep my "downstairs mix-up" a secret. Oh well.

    Of the alternate category names, I'd have gone with Cranky Fuckers. I could live with that.

    I think my favorite parts were discovering that m.v. is middle aged and the acknowledgment that emawkc is a MAWG in training. I been tryin' to school the bot, bring him up proper. But the boy don't listen! I thinks he's got the ADD!

    Thanks again. That was a nice surprise.

  7. I don't post about no damn food! Hell, I don't even eat! I hope that set you plural editors straight! That's probably why I didn't win though ;-). Congrats XO, well deserved... for a prick

  8. X.O. -

    The kudos are way deserved.

    re: your multiple tools, it should not surprise you to discover that The D, during on of his semi-lucid moments at the Twin City Tavern, told us more than we ever wanted to know...

    Cranky Bastards lost on a 3-2 vote. Some of us are still cranky about that.

    We doubt that m.v. is far from 40. In any case he qualifies on the Faith Rule: he already meets the most important criteria - attitude.

    EMAWKC? Well, what can we say - we're sure you tried...

  9. Old Fart -

    We're sure we've seen pics of you with orts and lees in your beard: that qualifies.

  10. Just received a check for $500.

    Many times people don't believe me when I tell them about how much money you can make by taking paid surveys from home...

    So I show them a video of myself actually getting paid $500 for filling paid surveys.


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